Tools to Create a Magical Marriage

Would you like the PDF of these show notes?
They are sent out each week to everyone on my mailing list! 

 

[00:00] Hello, and welcome to Tools to Create a Better Life with myself, GlenyceHughes. Thank you so much for being here. I am so incredibly grateful for you. 

 

[00:11] This week – Tools to Create a Magical Marriage, or a relationship or connection, whatever communion, whatever you might want to call it. 

 

This is on my mind because Hubby and I just celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary. I honestly don’t even know what the heck, like, 24 years! I don’t often feel like, I [am] even 24 years old so how could I be actually married for 24? And we dated for, I believe, 4 years before we got married. Something’s not adding up here. 

 

I don’t know about you guys, but the older the years are on the calendar or the length of time from when I was born, to [the] current day, as that gets farther and farther apart, I don’t ever feel like that. But anyway, doesn’t matter. 

 

[01:12] So, first thing I want to preface this whole show with is that please know [that] where Hubby and I are today is not where we have always been. Oh no. I have a radio show called The Time I Almost Left Hubby, and you’ll hear me say in that it wasn’t one time. 

 

[01:35] For a lot of years, I spent with one foot out of the marriage. It was always about I need to leave him, I need to leave. He’s not the same—I would call it “vibration”—as me. He doesn’t have the same interest as me. He’s what[ever.] There was always—he was always wrong. I’m gonna call it like it is right here, friends. He was always wrong, (sighs) and that’s hard. That’s hard to be with that. 

 

And I don’t mean that I’m wrong for that, I don’t mean that. I don’t mean anything. It’s just when I look at that, there’s so many pieces to that to have that place be where I lived, like, at least 90% of my time – and I’m not kidding. I know that might be like, “Oh, Glenyce, no.” Yes! Yes, I was that insane. And actually, back then it was insane. 

 

[02:36] Now, what I know it as is something that we call in Access Consciousness, the tools that I share, as distraction. I was just distracting myself with our marriage – that’s all I was doing. And so, rather than creating more and creating bigger and creating yummier, I put my energy into creating crap. 

 

This is what many of us do—you might hear yourself in this. If we don’t have enough on the go—and for many of us, that’s way more than we have on the go—what we do is we start to create crap. Yep. We are obsessive-compulsive creators, but if we’re bored, it’s obsessive-compulsive creators of crap, my sweet friends. 

 

That is one of the things that was going on back then that I didn’t have words for. I didn’t know, I just thought he was wrong and then in that, I would be wrong. The moment I judged him, I would then make me wrong. It was just as horrendous. Hamster wheel of ick, absolute ick, my sweet friends. 

 

[03:45] I want to start with that because I know a lot of people assume — because they’ve maybe only been in our lives the past few years — that hubby and I have always been this. We have not been this, and there’s times we’re not this. Like, there’s times where we’re not. What you might see me post on Facebook [is] when we are. I don’t post on Facebook when we’re not. 

 

Now, what I don’t do is I don’t post on Facebook that we had an argument or something like that. That’s not it either at all. I will talk about it after, definitely. Always—I shouldn’t say always, but the big stuff – absolutely. 

 

Just so you know, if you see a picture of us smiling together [and] all of that, we are in that moment. I don’t fake that sh*t. I can’t, actually. You can read—you know me like a book. It’s very ease for me to read. No, it’s very ease—you get it. You can read me, like, I just—I can’t hide that stuff, and I don’t actually have an interest in hiding it, either. 

 

[04:46] The one thing that I am so incredibly grateful for with Hubby is that when I started my radio show back in 2013—what in the actual hell here, like, that’s a lot of years ago and yet, here I am, still talking—is that he gave me full permission to share everything and anything. I’m so grateful for that because if I had to filter our lives, that would be a little bit difficult. 

 

I do that with other people—friends, family, stuff like that—where [if] I don’t have permission, I’ll filter it and kind of talk around it. But for him and I, it’s so much more ease for me just to say it all with whatever it is. By him doing that—if you listen back in those shows, guys, you’ll hear the good, the bad, and the ugly. Absolutely. 

 

Where we’re at now—I mean, gosh, 28 years later, Holy Hannah—I never would have imagined we would be here in this space where I don’t ever think of leaving. That’s huge compared to [when] that was pretty much my every second thought for years and years. It doesn’t even cross my mind [anymore]. 

 

[05:55] In fact, last night, we were sitting around the fire. Just so you guys also know, these shows come out a couple weeks later after they’re recorded for the most part. Some of what you’re hearing now, it might have actually occurred a couple of weeks ago. Our actual anniversary was October 23. The date I’m talking about right now is October 24 of 2021. I also know sometimes you guys listen way later. 

 

[06:21] And so, we were sitting around the fire last night. I said to him—and I was just like so curious—I was like, “I wonder where we would be if we hadn’t connected?” Like, if I hadn’t taken the job. 

 

I took a job at Vermillion, Alberta, Canada for people with disabilities. It was the only place—I sent out 100 resumes after becoming a registered psychiatric nurse and it was the only place that asked for an interview. Yes, that is how bad it was back in 1993 for nursing. If I hadn’t taken that, if I hadn’t sent my resume there, if him and I had never met, where would we be? 

 

[07:04] It was really interesting because we were like—we had nothing. We had nothing. I don’t mean like, “Oh, that’s so good. It means we’re meant to be together.” I don’t mean that at all. It was just really interesting because I don’t have—like, “Oh my gosh, if I wouldn’t have met him, I totally would have moved to wherever” and done, like, none of that, which is also awesome. 

 

I think [it’s] because we don’t have those regrets that I know some people do in relationships—where maybe they gave up something for the other person, so then they always kind of hold that as something like, “If I wouldn’t have married you, I would definitely have moved to, I don’t know, Jamaica or something.” Jamaica is where we got married, so that’s why it’s on my mind. We just didn’t have that.

 

[07:48] The only two things—and we laughed and we laughed and we laughed—was Hubby’s “Well, what I do know is I wouldn’t have a swimming pool.” 

 

This is a joke between him and I because the swimming pool—it isn’t a lot of work anymore, but the first year we had it, it seemed like a lot of work and it’s all Hubby work. He was the one doing all the things. The only thing I do at the pool is I balance the chemicals. Otherwise, he deals with everything else. When you’re learning something like that, it seemed like it was overwhelming. And so, it’s always been this joke between us that the pool is just mine—it really is, and he would not have it if I was not in the picture. We laughed about that. 

 

[08:29] The other thing, as we talked more about it, he said, “You know, the other thing is I wouldn’t have eaten at Olive Garden as many times as I have.” Which, again, is very true because it’s my favorite restaurant, not his. I shouldn’t say favorite restaurant. Of the restaurants we go to in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, it is one that we tend to go to—I really enjoy their stuff, not my favorite. My favorite is a place in Airdrie, Alberta, Canada called Paros on Main, and it’s a Greek restaurant. It’s so delicious. But anyway, not what you’re probably interested in with the show, but going off and off and off. 

 

When I look at that—when I look at kind of like, the tools that I use in my everyday life in the marriage, one is that allowance, like infinite allowance for me and for him. 

 

[09:25] Here’s the thing that nobody ever told me—and maybe it’s just me, but I know it’s not—is that you’ll still get annoyed with the other person. You still do. No matter that you care for them, no matter that you’re grateful for them, no matter that they contribute to your life and you’re living, you’re still going to get annoyed with them. Not kidding. 

 

[09:50] Allowance, when you get annoyed with them, for you is huge because what I was doing previously—prior to me using the tools or even knowing what the tools of Access Consciousness is, I would make me really wrong. He would do something—say something, whatever—I would get annoyed, I’d go to the judgment of him, and then the judgment of me because I judged him. Exhausting. 

 

[10:19] Now, what I realize is it’s nothing. I can be annoyed with him – that’s actually okay. It doesn’t mean we have to end our marriage. It doesn’t mean he’s a horrible person. It doesn’t mean I’m a horrible person. I just got annoyed – that’s it. It’s about the allowance for me and for him. 

 

Whatever is annoying me, it’s just allowance about that, and allowance that I’m annoyed. Suddenly, there’s a whole new world available because I don’t have to put any energy into that stuff—to put any energy into that whatsoever. I can just be like, “Okay, cool.” 

 

I don’t have to say something to him. I don’t have to tell him he needs to change. I used to think that was my job. Yeah, fire your ass. If you’re still operating there, my friends, and you’d like to have the relationship contribute to you and the other person and everyone around you, fire your ass from telling them that they’re wrong. Please, I beg of you. It’s horrific, anyway. That is tool number one, that’s the one that I use the most is allowance. 

 

[11:28] The tool that I use to get there, if required—sometimes, it’s just recognizing like, “Oh wow, I’m annoyed. Okay.” That’s it, I don’t need to do anything else. But if I am annoyed, and then I’m kind of spinning in it, or I’m like [grumbles], or I kind of want to tell him he’s wrong, that’s when I will use Interesting point of view, I have this point of view.

 

I know many of you have heard me talk about this before. Many of you are longtime listeners, I’m so grateful for you, and some of you are new listeners. I’m so grateful for you. And so, that’s definitely the tool, “Interesting point of view, I have this point of view.” I just use it in my head, I do not say it out loud to him. This is where I see so many people are so unkind because they go, “Well, I’m being superior so, interesting point of view, I have this point of view.” Please don’t do that, especially with that voice. That’s annoying. So…

 

Interesting point of view, I have this point of view. 

Interesting point of view, I have this point of view.

 

…over and over and over until the annoyance [or] the whatever has gone in. That, to me, is the tool that can get me to allowance quicker than anything else. So, so quick. 

 

[12:38] The other tool—and this is something we talked about in Foundation. And of course, I have one coming up at the end of December 2021, December 27 to December 31. We’re going to bring in 2022 with a bang, my sweet friends. You can find the link somewhere, reach out if you can’t find it and we will get you info.

 

[12:56] [The other tool] is to recognize that one of the greatest gifts that can be given from somebody else and that we can give somebody else is let them do whatever the f*ck they want to do, and they let you do whatever the f*ck you want to do. This is huge. 

 

This is something, for the most part I would say, that Hubby and I have always had. I’ve never felt that he should do it differently, or that he shouldn’t have different hobbies or things like that. Same with me, he’s never said I shouldn’t do anything. There’s never ever been that, so I’m grateful for that. It’s a huge piece. 

 

[13:49] If you have that for the other person and they don’t have that for you, then that’s something you want to look at, and look at what else is possible and what changes are possible and what conversations to have to create that. But really, look at that, like, to the degree you don’t—I was gonna say, like, to the degree that Hubby doesn’t even come to family photos with my family. 

 

Now, I don’t say that as ,like, you know, because he’s not part of the family. It’s just it’s not fun for him. That’s a lot of people—I have a huge family. They’re loud, they’re intense. It’s not fun for him. If I said to him, “Could you come? It would mean a lot to me,” he would be there in a heartbeat. He may not love it, but he would be there. But I don’t actually need him to. I don’t need him in those photos. 

 

And so, it’s like really looking at those pieces and the things that are really important to you that you would like, and the things that maybe aren’t important to you but maybe this reality tells you they should be. 

 

[14:49] For many years I made him—yeah, truly, I made him, forced him, judge him into it [or] whatever for him to come to the family events and all the things because that was what you’re supposed to do if you’re married. 

 

Don’t you spend every waking moment together possible? (No.) Don’t they have to come to your family events, even though it’s not fun for them? (No.) Don’t you have to go to all of the events they love doing so you have the same interest all the time? (No.) 

 

I’ve been really extreme, guys. Honestly, there was a time it was just the way it was supposed to be, and it’s not important to me. 

 

[15:30] You will just want to look at that—those things that are important to you, then have those conversations. Those things [that] aren’t, let them go. You might have family and friends who have points of views about it. Okay, that’s their points of views—tell them whatever they need to hear. Just so that you can actually just let your person—your love, your partner, whatever you want to call them—be who they would like to be and do whatever the f*ck they want to do, and they [will] let you do whatever the f*ck you want to do. There’s so much allowance in that. 

 

[16:02] Also, the minute that we’re not saying you need to do this, there’s so much more space for the other person to choose what works for them. The minute we say you have to do this—think of yourself: if your partner said to you, “You have to come to this work event with me, or this hike with me, or this whatever with me.” Even if you wanted to go initially, the minute they said you have to, you [will] probably be like, “Yeah, no. Not gonna happen.” Yeah. 

 

[16:33] So, allowance is number one—to letting each other do whatever the f*ck the other wants to do—that’s going to create a lot of space. Then, another tool is really to be present with the person. We call it an Access “aggressively present.” 

 

[16:53] This is [the] one that I really choose towards every day. It’s one that still takes a muscle for me. That is there ’cause I—I’m not going to give it an excuse. I’m not going to give an excuse. I don’t even have to be on my phone, though. I can even just be looking at him, and not really paying attention or being present with what he’s saying. He, on the other hand, can hear me say something and then six months later, [he] remembers I said that thing, and we’ll go by the thing that I said I wanted six months ago because he just saw it. 

 

[17:38] I mean, it’s a level of presence. It’s being present with the person when you’re with them. Again, this is something—this is a place for me to really continue to choose towards. Again, whatever that is, I don’t need to add a story to it. But that is something that I have noticed—the more that I’m willing to choose it, the more that I’m willing to be present with him, the more that it contributes to us, which of course, it makes sense. 

 

It doesn’t have to be a lover we’re talking about. You can be present with your kid—you’ve probably seen or maybe even had your own experience with your own kids. I know sometimes, we go to a restaurant or something and we see the parent with the kids and the parent may be just on their phone. The kid has, you know, acting out or doing something to get their attention. It’s no different for the rest of us. 

 

[18:36] I even have on my habit tracker app on my phone to put my phone down. It’s not like— yes, I use my phone a lot, absolutely, and not so much when I’m with him just naturally. There are still times where I will maybe take it up when we’re watching—I say ‘up’ because we go upstairs, we redone our loft and made it as a beautiful TV room. 

 

When we go upstairs to watch a movie, it’s actually [to] leave it at the table so that for those few hours, it doesn’t need to be there as something that I pick up. And that’s part of that aggressive presence. Now, of course, we’re watching the movie. We’re not necessarily being present in the way that I’m talking about. We are, because we’re present with the movie. 

 

So this is something, again, this is a tool that I am choosing more and more and more , and recognizing also where I’m not being it elsewhere. OR where I’m being it [like] in business even, or in my money flows, or something like that, because if I’m choosing it with one person, chances are I’m choosing it in many other different ways and forms. 

 

[19:46] Something that I wanted to add in, and it isn’t necessarily about the phone, but it can be. [It’s] because a lot of times, we’re on our phone in front of the person and they’re sitting there, and we’re looking and it can feel disconnecting or whatever we might want to call it. That might not be the case in your case, but just something to be aware of with that. 

 

Hubby doesn’t so much go to his phone like that. It’s not something he will choose. Again, he’s much more willing to be present in different situations than I’ve been so how’s it get any better? What magic is possible with all of that that I’ve never even considered? I’m so grateful. 

 

[20:35] One of the things that we started—you might have heard on the show already—is called a Buy Me a Coffee. You can find a link somewhere if you would like to buy me a coffee. It launched a few weeks ago, and in the first couple of days that it came out, we’ve had a few people buy us coffees. 

 

What I loved is that everybody that bought us coffees actually bought them for us, even though I don’t talk about it as ‘buy Hubby and I coffee.’ Everybody has, and I just love that. 

 

So today when we went to town, we went and got ourselves coffees. Mine is from Starbucks, his is from McDonald’s. That’s just something fun that we’ve been doing, and I just love that everybody has included him in that. It’s just so cool. 

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share that for some random reason. Also, so that you can buy me coffee—if you’d like to buy me a coffee, that would be cool. You don’t have to include Hubby, but it’s kind of cool when people do. 

 

[21:33] I remember years ago, I think it was a second time I facilitated classes in Ireland. I had went into the building to facilitate the classes. He (Hubby) was walking away from the building. There was a group of people that he’d never seen before, but because they’d seen us on Facebook and I talked about him in the radio shows all the time and stuff, that they were yelling at him down the street, “Hubby! Hubby!” He was walking along and he said, “Finally, I realized they were talking to me.” 

 

It’s just really funny to kind of see how included he is even though he’s not in these videos with me. He is very, very much a part of the business and of course, obviously, my life and my living. I’m so grateful that you guys include him, too. Thank you for that. 

 

[22:22] For anybody who wonders because I always call him Hubby—I have done that for years and years and years—his first name is Rodney, Rodney Hughes. But he does prefer Hubby with the people, you know, my friends and stuff like that. It’s been fun that way, too. 

 

[22:41] All right, so, the final tool that I am going to talk about today is—something unusual—to include you. Yes. 

 

Most people—especially most people listening to this show—have done a really good job of including everybody else in their life, but they forget to include themselves. One of the ways that I do this—and I don’t ask this question as whatever awareness I have with it is the thing I choose, but it just reminds me to include me—is:

 

“If I was choosing for me here, what would I choose? If I was choosing for me here, what would I choose?”

 

What that means is if you are willing to include you, what would you choose? It doesn’t mean you’re going to choose it. It just means you’re going to start becoming aware of what you would actually choose in these situations. 

 

[It’s] so that you can start getting a sense if you’ve ever had somebody say, “Hey, if you could do anything for fun, what would you do?” You’d be like, “Uh…” But if we said, “Hey, if your spouse could do anything for fun, what would they do?”, you could list 10 things. 

 

[24:07] This is what I’m talking about. Most of us are very good at knowing what the other person would like, so start including you. And then, guess what? There’s no resentment because you’ve included you. 

 

You’ve looked from what we call the “Kingdom of We”—[or] the bigger picture and you’ve went, “Okay, I would like this, they would like this, what could we choose here?” and it becomes a whole different dynamic rather than [asking] what do they need, what would they like, [or] what makes them happy, which then pushes all the energy out, and then you start getting resentful. 

 

[24:42] Interestingly enough, resentment, and also what I talked about earlier with relationship as a distractor—those are both something we call distractor implants. You can still join us – we’ve got the Living Beyond Dsitraction—I have it beside me—Living Beyond Distraction Book Club coming up starting November 15. We are going to do a chapter a week – two calls per chapter for a six-week deep dive into living beyond distraction. Guys, it’s so time. It is so time. 

 

Whether you’re doing relationship as a distractor, you’re doing resentment, you’re doing guilt, you’re doing business, you’re doing peace—yes, peace can be a distractor implant because a lot of people decide they can’t be peaceful until… yeah, crazy. So, come and join us. We’d love to have you. 

 

[25:44]

Yes, yes, yes. I hope that you can use some, if not all, of those tools in creating your magical marriages or relationships or connections or communions—whatever you might want to call them. 

 

Thank you so much for being here. I’m so incredibly grateful for you and I look forward to chatting again next week.

 

Did you love the show? Please leave a review on your fave podcast app! I am SO grateful!!