Tools to Stop Gaslighting YOU

Would you like the PDF of these show notes?
They are sent out each week to everyone on my mailing list! 

 

[00:00:00] Are you gaslighting you? Welcome to Tools to Create a Better Life with myself, Glenyce Hughes. Thank you so much for being here. I am so incredibly grateful. 

 

[00:00:11] We are currently in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia, Canada. It’s so beautiful here, guys. I am sitting on our little deck. I really wanted to do this on the ocean, but the lighting is… it just doesn’t work, so here we are.

 

[00:00:25] Anyway, gaslighting. This is something that we’ve been talking about in this Foundation so much that I wanted to do a radio show about it. Because what we often do is once we have tools to assist us to change things, to get out of judgment, whatever it might be, what I have seen myself do and many, many, many people do over the years is [we] actually use those tools against us, [to] actually gaslight us.

 

[00:00:57] We’ll say stuff like, “Well, I know I’m the creator of my life and my living, so when that person hit me, what did I do to create it? Why did I create that?” Stop it. That is a form of gaslighting. That’s invalidating you as a being. 

 

[00:01:16] Now, [the] big picture: yes, absolutely. I do know for me, you’ve gotta know for you, but I do know for me that we are the creators of our life and our living. But to look at something like that where somebody hit you, abused you, was mean to you, or any of that, we don’t wanna look at it through the lens of “what did I do to make that happen?” Please don’t do that. Please look at, “So that was shit. What’s required?” It’s pretty simple.

 

[00:01:49] And again, big picture: yes. I’m not saying you’re a victim to them hitting you ever, ever, ever, but when we gaslight ourself as a way to be more aware, to be more conscious, to be more spiritual, or whatever it might be, that is so unkind. That is so unkind to us. 

 

[00:02:08] It really is looking at when you are talking to yourself basically. What’s going on? What are you saying? What is the conversation? Are you looking at how wrong you are? If so, that’s a form of gaslighting. 

 

[00:02:23] Also, we don’t wanna look for how right we are because that’s also other energies, and it really is never about being right or wrong. It’s really about being aware and being present and never, ever being a doormat. 

 

[00:02:41] It’s this idea that we are responsible for how people act around us or what they choose with regards to us. And so because of that, we’re often looking for what we did wrong, what we did bad to create that in their world. 

 

[00:02:59] That can start from, of course, childhood trauma and we can carry that on. And then once we add some consciousness, some of these magical tools to it, we really, really abuse ourselves with it rather than acknowledging what is. That’s always the first step: you acknowledge what is.

 

[00:03:16] If somebody chose unkindness towards you, acknowledge what is for you. I don’t mean you need to go talk to them about it. Maybe, but that’s not what I mean when I say acknowledgement. It’s acknowledge like, “Wow, they really chose to be unkind.” 

 

[00:03:33] Acknowledge it for you because that’s usually the first step we don’t take. We go straight to, “What did I do? What did I do to create that? What did I do to make that my problem, to make that about me, to make that personal?” 

 

[00:03:45] So, first step: you want to acknowledge what they chose, and then whatever action’s required. In some cases it actually is to have a conversation with them. [For] some people, that’s not gonna be the case. We really have to be aware at these times. 

 

[00:04:04] I don’t mean conversation like, “You were unkind to me and you shouldn’t do that and you’re wrong!” That’s not the conversation. Sometimes with some people, again, if they’re open to it, if that’s where the space is, it could be like, “Hey, when you said that, what did you mean by it?” You could get curious with it. 

 

[00:04:22] That’s been my experience. The more that we actually go in from a curiosity with that conversation rather than, “You did wrong,” there can be way more space to actually converse about it.

 

[00:04:36] I had that recently with a friend. They said something, and I questioned them in the moment. There was a group of people around so it didn’t go very well. And so I waited until later when the group of people were gone and I questioned them again about it, but really from curiosity, really from spaciousness, not from defense, judgment, or upset, but curious like, “What did you mean when you said that?”

 

[00:05:07] Even the second time didn’t go so well. But the third time, and actually it was them that brought it up on the third time, there was more space to have a conversation. There was more space to converse about it. 

 

[00:05:21] Instead of looking at what I did wrong in that situation for them to make this comment, I really just went straight to, “Actually, that doesn’t work for me.” That comment does not work for me, and what’s required? It took three different conversations about it, and that’s okay. 

 

[00:05:43] I could’ve bulldozed in. I could’ve, like, right at the first time I said something and it didn’t go well, I could’ve just kept bulldozing and pushing and forcing. I just was really aware that wasn’t gonna change anything. And in that energy, I was probably going to match it. I was going to be defensive and “you are wrong” and all of that. I just know that that doesn’t create what I would like. 

 

[00:06:06] Rather than looking at how wrong they were or looking at how wrong I was, I just knew we were going to have a conversation about it. It might have taken 30 times, it doesn’t matter, we were going to. 

 

[00:06:19] This person’s also receptive to that conversation. Like I said earlier, sometimes that’s not the case. Sometimes it will be a situation where you won’t actually be able to take it any further for whatever reason.

 

[00:06:33] But then just acknowledge it for you. “Wow, they chose to be…” whatever. They chose to be unkind. They chose to be a jackass. They chose to be mean. A lot of us won’t even go there because then we feel like we’re judging that person. No, we’re not, if we acknowledge what is in the moment. 

 

[00:06:48] Here’s where it goes to judgment. “They’re always a jackass. They’re always mean.” Now, that is judgment because nobody’s ever “always something.” But if we call it like it is in the moment, acknowledge it for ourselves, that is the freedom, my sweet friends. That is more freedom than you could ever imagine if you’ve never chose it. 

 

[00:07:08] I know this because I didn’t choose it for so many years. I spun in things. I dissected things. I tried to figure out how I created it – what I was doing bad or wrong to make them choose those things. It’s like, stop it. That is so unkind to us. That is gaslighting. 

 

[00:07:30] How to change that gaslighting? 

 

One: start acknowledging what is going on for you. You don’t need to post on social media about it. Just acknowledge it for you. That’s step one. Get out of the idea that it’s your fault, or you created it, or try to figure out — I call it “mentally masturbate” — why you created it, why it happened, all of that. Stop it. Acknowledge what is. 

 

[00:07:55] And then if you struggle with that, if you’re like, “Oh, but I can’t say they were a jackass because they were doing the best they could,” stop that, too. You are, once again, gaslighting you. 

 

[00:08:07] People choose what they choose because they choose it. That’s it, nothing else. I know we love to give reason and justification. I know we love to say, “No, they chose it because they had a tough childhood” and “This happened” and “They’re tired.” 

 

[00:08:21] Oh my gosh. I used to use that one with Hubby all the time. I’d be like, “Oh he’s like this because he’s tired.” No. He’s choosing what he’s choosing because he’s choosing it, and I don’t have to be a doormat to it. I don’t have to judge it either. I don’t have to gaslight me about it. I can acknowledge what is, and then I can take whatever action in that moment is gonna create more. 

 

[00:08:41] I’m gonna say it’s “simple.” I’m not sure that’s the best word because “simple” doesn’t know, yes. But if we choose it, if we just go to the acknowledgement of it and we choose to stop mentally masturbating about it, and we choose to take whatever action is going to create greater, in some cases it might be just that you leave the room. That might be the only action you can take. Cool. Go do that. Go do something fun. 

 

[00:09:09] And then if you go into that place of, “What did I do to create this? What’s wrong with me?” and all of that, just stop. If you’re visual, imagine a stop sign in your head every time you start going there. 

 

[00:09:23] A great question you can ask in that moment is: “Truth, am I distracting myself with this?” You will be. That mental masturbation, guys? That’s distraction. 

 

[00:09:36] As soon as you ask that and you get a “yes,” then you just ask, “What can I add to my life today to change this right away?” [It’s] so that you get out of that because if you have too much time, if you are in any way, shape, or form bored, you will create drama-trauma. This is what we do. We are insane, so we wanna be adding to our life constantly. 

 

[00:10:00] I don’t mean adding more work, or adding more stress, or adding more things to do. But adding – that might be taking up a dance class, that might be having a nap, that might be adding a new business or a new revenue stream or something. There’s lots of different things, but we wanna be in question. What could I be adding to my life today to change this? 

 

[00:10:21] You could finish that question with anything. What could I add to my life today? You could finish there. One of the gals in the class, her name is Kim, she’s the host here in Nova Scotia. She words it, “Who or what could I add to my life today?” I love that because, yeah, how many more “playmates,” as I call them, could we be adding that might be fun? 

 

[00:10:45] With that, depending on when you’re watching this, my sweet friends, we have the final Pool Party at our acreage. Yes, we have accepted an offer and we’ll have to be out of there June 28th. Oh my goodness. So, final Pool Party at our acreage. 

 

[00:11:07] Bars is June 21st and then the 22nd, 23rd, 24th, and half of the 25th — Foundation is now three and a half days — is Foundation. Come and play, guys, and bring your swimsuit because I am gonna be living up that pool every moment I can until we move. So, come and play. 

 

[00:11:26] Just a little recap with all of this. When you catch yourself gaslighting you, when you catch yourself trying to figure out what you did wrong to create somebody choosing something unkind or mean or upsetting or whatever it is, and you go down that rabbit hole, stop. See a stop sign if you’re visual. Whatever you need to do, stop. 

 

[00:11:46] Acknowledge what they chose. Know that it is not judgment. Unless you’re saying “they are always mean to me,” that’s judgment. “They chose to be mean in that moment” is an acknowledgement. Just acknowledge it for you, okay? They chose to be mean. 

 

[00:12:00] Every one of us have chose to be mean at some point or another. How do I know? You’ve been mean to you. Maybe you’ve never been mean to anybody else, but I can guarantee you’ve been mean to you. 

 

[00:12:11] Acknowledge what is – they chose to be mean. Okay. What’s required? Again, sometimes it’s gonna be a conversation. Sometimes there’s nothing that you can say. You just know that that’s not a doorway that’s opened, so to speak. So, what’s required? What do you require for you? 

 

[00:12:28] Maybe you leave the room, depending on the situation, whatever’s going on. But we really wanna look at that unkindness to us that we do when stuff goes on. 

 

[00:12:43] If you’ve been around for a while, you’ve heard me talk for bazillion radio shows about how we’re not a victim. I am not saying we are a victim. I’m not saying that we aren’t the creators of our life because I know that we are. It’s when we use that against us to gaslight us. 

 

[00:13:03] When we put all of our creative energy into trying to figure out what we did wrong or how bad we were or why we created that thing from that other person, no. Stop. Acknowledge what is, and then what’s required? Keep it simple, my sweet friends. Keep it simple. 

[00:13:21] All right. Have a great week, and I look forward to chatting again next week.

 

Did you love the show? Please leave a review on your fave podcast app! I am SO grateful!!